Are you the lion, the lamb,or both in Life?
In a chance encounter years ago at an intimate wedding of an acquaintance I was seated beside a woman who counseled individuals who had forsaken their vows as priests and nuns. The conversation was a subject all of my 30 years felt very free of provincial ideas to be having. After all wasn’t renouncing what they had embraced a sin. Speaking openly about a taboo subject was flirting with the devil in a way my young brash self, found dangerous and alluring. Wasn’t this my dark side that could so easily lead me to damnation?
Although the conversation was almost 30 years ago something this woman said to me about an incident that was going on in my life at the time stayed with me loud and clear. “Don’t be a lamb to anyone’s lion.”
At the time I only understood the surface meaning of the phrase. It was all my internal self could handle. Someone was being cruel to me, and I was allowing myself to be their sacrifice.
Only years later did I look any deeper into the belief beneath the pattern of my not speaking up that had kept me submissive to perceived overpowering by others not wanting to go near their own internal pain.
Until recently I wasn’t aware it was possible to find the source of my destructive pattern. Believing all my problems were outside of me was keeping at bay the fear I unconsciously felt inside. If I kept my focus on others I could keep sacrificing my internal voice into darkness and silence. I was throwing deeply wounded parts of me to the lions.
I was willing to sacrifice others by walking away or disconnecting, and still believe myself to be a compassionate being if their fear to closely touched mine.
The lamb within me had been taught that my base nature of sinner would ultimately surface, devour, and deliver me to the devil. I was sacrificing loving myself unconditionally in order to silence parts of me that believed I was a sinner born to damnation.
By not seeing I was sacrificing aspects of me that reflected my lamb my light, to aspects of my lion my darkness, I could keep fear at bay. I could not relinquish my lifelong constructed illusion of control while in the grips of fear learned as a young child.
I had hidden any hope of being what I was, by what I was told I was not, a pure being of Divine light. Living with the dichotomy of hope and the dark secrets of a sinner my developing child was ill equipped to understand the manipulative lie, and buried it. Stories I had been told when very young about God, Satan and Sinners kept me imprisoned in my destructive beliefs. Stories of evil devouring light, of human sacrifice to dark forces and the only way to be “saved” was to succumb to a God that could damn me.
It took me 30 year to explore the dangerous territory I had learned to avoid to stay “one step ahead of the devil “. Living with God size fear inside of my mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual body was exhausting me. I could only find respite in numbing myself, blocking off emotions that I deemed dangerous, and running from emotions that could destroy my fragile self.
As I began to love, nurture and honor my fears without judgment I laid the foundation to experience light without built in retribution for my sins.
Could it be I was ready to take the ultimate risk and turn from this monster that had manipulated my life like the Wizard of Oz and Dorothy? Was I ready to pull back the curtain of illusion to reveal what was behind it? A small yes was still in me. My beliefs had shadowed the truth of my divinity, of my being pure Light that I could never be separated from, except by a manipulated monster of belief.
And so my Divine light began the journey to reveal the false beliefs that were running my show, my life. Exploring light without fear of reprisal, and defying lies I believed were truths brought healing.
I am now committed to love and not judge two distinct parts within me, the one labeled dark and the other revered as light. To love the child who lived in fear of darkness devouring her. I am beginning a courtship between aspects of myself I never loved because I feared them as weakness.
Behaviors born out of a child’s attempts to understand subtle message of control and submission are no longer unrecognized within me. Aspects that have lived buried in fear are surrounded by my commitment to hear what they have to say, and understand they were arrived at with a child’s trust. There is no lion within me that can roar loud enough to drown out the maturing voice of love.
What lengths are you willing to go to not listen and love voices inside that submit to control? What are you willing to live with to keep your internal self in fear and under control?
Are you willing to sacrifice aspects within you to retain control of an illusion that creates a life you say you don’t want to live? Not all forms of control stem from the same source as mine did. Control lies in the greater dance of dominance and submission and the fear of dark and light.